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Santa Don't Diet

This year I left Santa some carrots

So he could be thin and good-looking

This morning I see

There's nothin' for me

But a note that says "Next Year, Leave Cookies"

I'm not sad, I never cry,
I just got somethin' in my eye
Ask me once, I'll tell you twice,
A guy like me don't cry!
I've beaten people black and blue,
I got a really big tattoo,
I never BOO, I never HOO,
A guy like me don't cry!
I live in darkened alley-ways,
I fight all night and drink all day,
You'd better run the other way,
A guy like me don't cry!
So, you saw me crash my motorbike
And thought you thunk you saw me cry,
I just got a pebble in my eye,
A guy like me don't cry!
Well, if you insist, I won't be rude,
I'll come inside and have some food,
If you'll excuse my rotten mood,
It's just that I've been cryin'...

And I normally don't,

So don't tell anyone, OK?

Mama makes a buck

When I was just a little lad, my mother used to tell me

if I could not behave myself, she'd take me out and sell me.

One day I scribbled on the wall, and just like mama told me,

she found a band of gypsies and for twenty bucks, she sold me!

The Veggie Vampire

Late at night, all dressed in black, below a moonlit sky,
I sneak into the orchard and I suck the apples dry.

The bitter juice of lemon fruit, with ripened nectarine
makes nice dessert for artichokes with turnips, beets and beans

Yes, oranges, peaches, passion fruit, zucchinis, peas and pears,
had better not stay out at night, and if they do-BEWARE!

For, in the early morning, farmers find the peels and rinds,
and shriveled up tomatoes hanging sadly on the vines.

And gardeners and cultivators grasp their produce tight
for fear that I, the Veggie Vampire, strike again tonight!

People say the darndest things about me

People call me "pencil-neck",
People call me "needle-nose".
People call me "booger-breath",
People call me "twinkle-toes".

People say I'm awful clumsy,
People say I drool;
But if you ask my mom,
she'll tell you that I'm pretty cool!

Bruce

There once was a fellow named Bruce,
whose clothes were so baggy and loose.
One day he walked by a lady he liked,
but his clothes fell right down to his shoes!

Vocabularyless

I don't like my teacher, she talks much too fast.
She uses these strange, made-up words during class:
like- "abacus", "compass", "subtraction", "division",
"beaker", and "hydrogen", "fusion" and "fission",
"prefix", and "suffix", "adjective", "noun",
my teacher's not teaching, she's playing around!
I don't like my teacher, she talks much too fast,
it's her fault I'm doing so poorly in class.

Childhood stuff

When I was a child, I spake like a kid.
Anything I wanted to do, I just did.
Whenever I wanted to play, I would play.
The things that I wanted to say, I would say.

I'd climb a tree and scrape my knee and play all sorts of games,
And now that I'm a grown-up, well, I'm pretty much the same.

Fred

There once was a fellow named Fred,
who had bugs inside of his bed.
They'd wiggle and bite, keep him up every night,
so he slept in his hammock instead.

Lou

There once was a fellow named Lou,
who had not just one house, but two.
When one would get cluttered, he'd move to another,
for a messy one just wouldn't do!

Hot Day in Church

Eyes... Closing...
Head... Nodding...
Breathing... Heavy, too.....
So very... Sleepy...
Falling... So deeply...
And there's... Nothing...
That... I ..... Can....... Do........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Drew

There once was a fellow named Drew,
who one day was playing with glue.
He glued his pet ferret onto his pet parrot,
and out the front window they flew.

Elle

There once was a lady named Elle
whose feet had a terrible smell!
She lived ever-happy with her smelly ol' pappy,
whose feet were quite stinky as well.

Timid Timmy goes to Spain

I'll tell you a tale of my friend Timid Timmy
who one day decided to travel to Spain.
He heard how in Spain there were places for swimming
where squid dance with starfish and octopus play.

He heard how in Spain when a fellow is working
he hangs in a hammock and snoozes awhile.
and rices with spices and tuna and turkey,
are not only eaten, but eaten with style.

At nighttime the air will be filled with guitar
and women in white cotton dresses will dance.
Their lips will be painted and shine in the stars,
their eyes hypnotize you and leave you entranced.

And Roses and hammocks and octopus too,
are things for which my friend Timmy had yearned.
And when he arrived, Timmy's dreams all came true,
now Timmy's in Spain and he'll never return.

A New Story Which Needs a Clever Name

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night, no matter how I tried,

And as I dreamt of having dreams, my eyes were opened wide.

I counted countless flocks of sheep and then I counted birds.

I counted leopards by the leap and zebras by the herd.

After counting rabbits ‘till one-hundred-twenty-two,

I turned around to find a dragon sneaked into my room!

With fire foaming from his nose, the creature lunged at me;

Lucky thing, I had my sword and shield and trusty steed.

I ran the dragon through the heart, he fell into a heap.

With all of the excitement here, no wonder I can’t sleep!

I took a swim to find myself a place where I could rest,

When suddenly I came across a maiden in distress.

“Oh help me, please!” she yelled to me, “my ship has been attacked!”

“Some pirates took my father and refuse to give him back!”

“But why would pirates want your dad, is he extremely handsome?”

“My dad’s a king; the pirates seek a rather hefty ransom.”

“Fear not,” I said, “I’ll find the king and bring him safely home.”

And so I swam until I reached the place called Pirate Cove.

I took a rusty cutlass from a sleeping pirates grip,

Then silently and stealthily, I climbed aboard their ship.

With anchors up and sails drawn tight, I sent the boat to sea,

Then yelled to all the drunken pirates sleeping on the beach-

“Someone stole our vessel, now they’re leaving the lagoon!

We’d better swim and catch them quick, or else we’ll be marooned!”

So, while the ship escaped to sea, the pirate crew in tow,

I found the poor old king and swam him safely to his home.

I climbed a giant mountain where no one would bother me,

I closed my tired eyes and then I finally fell asleep.

From down below, a voice so loud that it could shatter glass,

Said, “Wake, get dressed and leave the house or you’ll be late for class!”

And as my teacher droned along, I swear she sprouted wings,

Then turned and smiled, revealing rows of sharpened yellow teeth.

“Oh, Help us please!” my classmates screamed, “Our teacher is a beast!”

A lucky thing I had my sword and shield and trusty steed.

I'm telling my mummy!

I'm telling my mummy, and won't she be mad!
I'm telling her that you've been blatantly bad.
You called me a nerd and you told me I stink,
and I didn't even ask you what you think!
You called me a geek and you called me a dummy,
so guess what, I'm going to go tell my mummy!

(I used an illustration from Scott-C, one of my favorite artists, currently. I'm sure he won't mind, but don't tell him, just in case he does, OK? Please do go check his blogspot, though. He really is great.)

Tuck it in, mister

Tuck in your shirttail and surely you'll be

a handsome and upstanding feller.

For if you don't tuck in your shirttail, you see,

it may just get caught in an airplane propeller.

Claire's Hair

There once was a lady named Claire,
who had such magnificent hair.
She won an award for her beautiful gourd

at the big Alabama State Fair.

Roy

There once was a fellow named Roy,
and ever since he was a boy,
he'd play with his food, which we all know is rude,
but Roy thinks his food is a toy...

But it's not.

Seriously.

Big Billy the Braggart

Big Billy loves to boast,
Bragging that he has the most
Boasting that he's just the best,
Better, far, than all the rest
Traveled over all the world,
Kissed the most exotic girls
Climbed the mountains, sailed the seas,
ate the most expensive cheese
Met the Queen, met the King,
Kissed the Pope upon the ring
Friends with all the movie-stars,
Drives the fastest racing cars
Anything you've done, he's done it,
Any prize you've won, he's won it
Anything you say, he's said it,
Any book you've read, he's read it
Billy's boasting never ends,
That's probably why he has no friends.

A new story... perhaps

"There once was a lizard, so scaly and green,
so ornery and ugly and smelly and mean.
He'd stalk through the forest on Saturday night,
just looking for something delicious to bite.
Sometimes he'd eat rabbits, sometimes he'd eat squirrels,
he'd eat little boys and he'd eat little girls.
And after he'd eaten, he'd hiccup and smile,
oh he was a scoundrel, that scaly reptile.
One Saturday night, the old lizard was creeping
and came upon something that seemed to be sleeping.
The cute little critter had cute little feet
he looked very yummy- delicious to eat.
And there he slept sweetly, with tightly-closed eyes
the lizard would never have guessed the disguise.
For the critter he thought to be taking a nap
was really just acting as bait for a trap!
And before the old lizard could take half a bite,
he hung upside-down on that Saturday night.
And soon that old lizard had started to wiggle,
he laughed and he snickered, he chuckled and giggled.
The cute little critter, and all his friends too,
tickled the lizard until he turned blue.
He laughed and he laughed down until his last breath,
and the grumpy old lizard was tickled to death.

Visiting Aunt Hannah's House

Babies, Babies Everywhere-
hiding in the drawers,
hiding in the piano and behind the closet doors!
Babies, Babies Everywhere-
banging pots and pans,
hanging from the curtain rods and from the ceiling fan!
Babies, Babies Everywhere-
dancing on the chairs,
stealing scissors so that they can cut each other's hair!
Babies, Babies Everywhere-
underneath the rug,
hiding in the bathroom licking soap and eating bugs!
Babies, Babies Everywhere-
sleeping in the shade,
maybe when you're old enough, I'll tell you how they're made.

Mind Your Manners, or Suffer the Wrath of a Snooty French Waiter Who Already has a Chip on His Shoulder Anyway...

Dont' Be Picky...

A Winter's Mourn

Banana's for all ! (but mostly for me)

Silly Business

Pack a pickle, pick a puddle
Comb a crab or crop a cuddle
Milk a mink or mail a matter
Bake a bun in bucket batter
Shine a shoe or shake a sugar
Buy a book or bluff a booger
Take a tale or till a tailor
Sell a snake or sock a sailor
Quill a quote or quit a quacker
Crisp a crack or cop a cracker
Hilly, hoppy, happy, hairy
Silly, soppy, sappy, scary
Juicy, jumbly, jello, junky
Moosey, mumbly, mellow, monkey
Tippy, tappy, talkey, telly
Skippy, scrappy, stalky, smelly
Wiley, wordy, wormy, wishy
Smiley, sturdy, squirmy, squishy.

Say this poem ten times fast,
And never have to take a bath!